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“That's what I did with last night.”
~ Oscar Wilde

Sex, or as I like to call The Greatest Show On Earth, refers to the , or , or , or , or , or , or , or , or male and hand, or female and finger,or male and female and horse and finger and donkey and cat and bedpost and dog, or or female and male and fist and female and male and male and foot or female and gear stick or man and girl and camera guy or your hand or madonna and anything etc. interaction which can result in stained bedsheets, broken kitchen tables and/or windows, unusual auto interior odours, webcam content, or the creation of a creature known as the . Sex is a give and take action that allows an intense pleasure to fill the body, in most cases the woman usually is the giver while the man is the taker. It has been proven that women enjoy giving pleasure more than anything in the world and will do so with out anything in return. The primary purpose of sexual intercourse is to excite annoy the hell out of the people in the apartment below yours and make them jealous. Sex was invented by the , although it was the who introduced it to women, and the perfected the thing called "Romance". In most cases, people have sex for pleasure, though it is occasionally done for other purposes, such as convincing the tollbooth operator to let you slide with 20 cents instead of .

Anatomy of sexual intercourse

Sex is believed to be wrong until you are married by the Church. Before then , you are literally on your own trying to work out why has given you anatomical toys to play with after childhood. This is often called or the more prudish will call it auto sex. This misnomer has led many young men to confuse buying cars and thinking this will guarantee them a good night out.

Sex, better known as "The Bill Cosby Fun Game", is primarily used as a means of passing a few otherwise tedious minutes while you wait in the queue for your drink at the bar. It's also used for expressing mild interest towards others (aside from in one culture in which people who hate each other have sex, and people who love each other express their love by stabbing each other in the heart. Not surprisingly, not many of them have lived past their honeymoons). Many say that "love" is too strong, and sex is often recommended as a way to show appreciation to anyone you even care enough about that you might bother sending them a Christmas card, every other year.

Traditional one-on-one intercourse is usually performed by a man sticking his , or "ding-a-ling",or "wiener" into a woman's , or "squeeze box", (though many men are known to mistakenly insert their penises into the women's purse instead (which has often been blamed on mishearing the slang "kooch") this tends to result in confusion and looks of dismay from shop assistants upon receiving some suspiciously sticky and distinctively perfumed bank notes). The two then move their hips back and forth, creating friction, and if an orgasm is not achieved within ten minutes, . It is recommended that the hips are moved in contrary motion, so that both move their hips apart and together--or in contrary circular, triangular, or dodecahedral motion--at the same time. Upon reaching , the man experiences waves of indescribable pleasure, then wants to fall asleep, while the woman rolls her eyes, says that she wasn't done yet, and wishes she had been watching instead. The man's or "man jam" is fired into the woman's vagina, unless blocked by some kind of rubber product or video camera, then it swims to the egg (controversially not free-range) and asks for permission to enter. If entry is granted, the sperm will find a "telephone cell" and call the Stork, a large bird who carries a baby or large-eared elephant to the happy couple. Occasionally, if the sperm is stupid or , he will call the wrong number by mistake, accidentally ordering anything from pizza and beer to a Tempurpedic mattress.

Non-traditional, or "better" sex, can involve any body part, fabric, binding material, food. sleeping pill or plastic device--and occasionally even items like washing machines--doing anything imaginable to any other body part. It should involve more than two people, a wide range of ages and ethnicities, and possibly an African film crew. However, in New Jersey, sex is usually performed by human men on , though a significant minority prefer women.

According to an ancient Chinese/Egpytian/Greek/Zulu/Turkish/Ethiopian superstition, performing sex on a girl is the only way to cure her of , a disease usually caused by . However, sex can also transmit diseases far worse, including and marriage; and in extreme circumstances - not to mention HIV, but that's a different story. It is not recommended for the unattractive, as if the intercourse is secretly filmed and put onto YouTube, no-one wants to watch it.

Traditional sexual locations

Where people have sex varies from culture to culture. The traditional location for sex is the middle of the highstreet. However, in some inner city apartment buildings, there isn't room for a highstreet and an unpedestrianised side-road usually has to suffice. In that event, the two people usually resort to having sex in an oven, washing machine, refrigerator, wardrobe (shifo), or microwave, a manoeuvre that requires a lot of dexterity, flexibility, and usually the removal of most body parts aside from the penis and the vagina. Most couples also resort to the drainpipes as a location, but this would also be fine of you were lacking a female sexual partner if the pipe was well-lubricated (and comparatively thin, unless your member is the girth of a rolled-up sleeping bag).

Other locations can include the parents' bench, back yard, ceiling, a scuba-diving training course, back of the bush, public gardens, super markets, public toilets, jail, welfare line, petting zoos, concerts, , , in front of young children, your , your friend's horse, (though this is soon to be banned), and other locations. The only factors that limit the locations at which people have sex are immigration and other forms of law enforcement.

One of the places were people have sex is in hotels and they start off by stripping off and chasing each other around the hotel lobby and going up and down and up and down in the lift, the people in the hotel enjoy this sort of entertainment, but tell them to "Put zee cloth-es on!"

Science of sex

Scientists have concluded from studying numerous pornography sites on the interwebs that the babymaker (aka the "va-jay-jay") functions primarily in the same way as a Venus Fly Trap. Luring its prey (the assistant babymaker) inside by flashing its vibrant and natural rouge and expelling an alluring aroma. Unfortunately, some va-jay-jays have grown old and/or contracted a number of diseases, resulting in a foul aroma, which actually REPELS assistant babymakers.

However, the majority of people will want to be babymakers, the men may think it's fun and dandy, but the woman will have to spend 9 months getting big & fat, and spend a whole day pushing the baby out of her ear with pain and pressure. But, most women wouldn't mind being pregnant and most men will actually have sex during her pregnancy. It's safe and good for the woman but on the downside it pokes the baby's eyes out and the woman has to shit out the remains of her fuck trophy. This is also how abortions are done.

Sex with animals, plants and inanimate objects

and Botany are two sexual fetishes that have attracted a rapidly increasing amount of controversy in recent years. Bestiality means being sexually attracted to . The animals these people prefer usually varies from person to person, but the most popular ones include and donkeys. Also, some people practice "botany", in which they have sexual intercourse with plants, such as trees or . It is a very difficult process, and foreplay usually lasts about 6 hours as the person carves a vagina into whatever plant they plan on having sex with. Sex with trees is reportedly very pleasurable, though it can occasionally leave horribly painful splinters.

Sex with inanimate objects, for example, bicycles, is apparently against the law. However, a much more discreet way to get the joy is thrusting a pencil up that special place. Works for men and women. Do not try this at Office Depot, Staples, , Party Supply Stores, or the Zoo and beware pencils with feathers or knobbly ends...things could get painful, and possibly quite messy. Otherwise, enjoy!!!

Sex positions

The most common sex position is the 0. In positions such as the italian chandler, the dick goes into the pussy. Well, in the 0, the pussy goes into the dick. Another commonly known sex position 3- (not to be confused with 69) is when a man opens up his anus and simultaneously shoves into it a sharp object, such as a knife, after which he will die. Another common sex position is 99 which happens when a pencil is shoved up one man's anus by his homosexual partner who then asks him to do the same, both end up dead sooner or later, that is unless you are . A rare sex position is 6 where the poor man is left alone. Perhaps the rarest of all positions is the 9 where a woman cannot find a partner. There hasn't been a "9" reported in the last two decades, although it's rumored that one occurred with Hilary Clinton during Bill's first night at the white house. If you use SHARPIES, they work well also. Plus, They create a higher pleasure standard. The vibrating end of a toothbrush works best, if you are too poor to buy a dildo. Note: NOT THE END WITH BRISTLES.

A more frequent position is the 96, usually performed amongst married couples, where both parties are lying in bed the other is asleep and are secretly attempting to perform oral pleasures upon themselves. Another very common position is the "690", in which two people perform 69, and a very fat man lies in bed next to them and watches. A little known position is when the receiving partner (the unlucky one) inserts a pen into their arse, writes a novel and craps it out. Many greats such as the works of shakespeare and shamrock rover's teamsheet have been conceived this way. Another very publicised position is where the man inserts his flackutopia into the woman's meganostrimous. Said position is often seen in .

Religion and sexuality

The common belief amongst many organisations is that sex is an evil or the handiwork of an agent of the Great Satan like , Beelzebub or . These extreme religious types preach that the only way two people should be allowed to have sex is if they are both old, are both ugly, and neither of them enjoy it. Those young enough to enjoy it should neither have sex nor . Some very radical Christian groups attempted to live without any sex at all in their communities, but they ended up suffering as another obscure Christian group that . Many have moved to ban sex outright, along with other deadly sins such as , the theory of evolution, medicine, common sense, realism and gravity. are still denying claims that they participated in sexual intercourse.

Sex With Gnomes

...Don't do it. Ever. Or you will be subjected to the worst fate imaginable: You Don't Want To Imagine It!!

Birth Control

Birth control pills are a means of having sex without having to worry about the spreading of diseases such as , pregnancy, and possibly the dreaded sexually transmitted disease, Cooties. The recently released "Flintstones birth control pill", issued to young girls between the age of 9 and 13 at elementary schools in so that they can have sex whenever they want and not have to worry about getting pregnant. Another commonly used method of birth control is the , a latex sheath placed over the penis (although some people mistakenly eat the condoms, that is what they need to do). A new surgical procedure allows for men to opt to have condoms permanently attached to their penis, through a long surgery known as "knocking the guy out and using staples". Other people choose to have safe sex by having sex in two separate rooms (otherwise known as 'netsex' for onvious reasons). "It's really intimate", says a practiser of this form of sex, "we , and talk to each other on walky talkies." Similar to this is the act of staring at each other before debating the things you hate about each other. This has been found to be an effective method, unless one has a fetish for filthy words. Still others use the birth control method commonly called "poison", which prevents a woman from getting pregnant, and prevents the man from getting her pregnant, by killing them both.

Some people prevent pregnancy by having sex only with dead women, who cannot conceive. It is currently unknown if was born in this manner. Whatever the case, people find that rotting, unembalmed vaginas and penises have a distinct aroma, like cherry pie, and delight in snapping into the slim jim, or burying their manhood deep into the desiccated flesh.

And of course, as everyone knows, the ultimate form of birth control is called . Once married, the woman generally loses all interest in sexual relations (at least with her husband), especially the act of fellatio non-existencia. For further information on this topic, please refer to cold bitch.

See also